Komal, I was really looking forward to college today. I was looking forward to seeing you, and talking to Laado. It sucks that the college is closed now. I got up early and got dressed up and everything only to realize that college is closed. Damn ..
So anyways, somehow, now I am the villain of everyone's story. Sharbeen & Jasbeen deleted me off Facebook. Actually, I would have loved to do it myself. But I was humiliated again. Why did you have to go around talking to other people about me, I still don't understand. We were so close, so why did you have to involve other people in something that was completely between you and me? What were you expecting my classmates to say when you asked them if they were ignoring me or not? Obviously they were going to justify whatever they were doing, and they led you into believing that I was the bad guy.
I don't understand. I did not hurt anyone or cause damage to anyone, neither did I expect anyone to do me any favors. Passing on notes to me that the teacher passes to them is not a favor. The teacher trusts a few in the class to pass on the notes to the rest of the class, and if they don't do it, someone else who's willing and not expecting something in return would love to do it. When I was Class Representative in the beginning, I used to take everyone along. Whatever notes and all the teachers gave to distribute amongst everyone else, I made sure everyone got it. But now people who are responsible for that, they keep expecting people to go and beg them for stuff. I can't do that. And please don't say such is college life, because no it's not.
It sucks that you believed everything some people in my class told you. Like I said, what were you expecting them to say? No one was obviously going to see there own mistakes and they were going to put everything on me, like it has been going on since the first day. Why did you have to go and talk to them in the first place? Did you feel like you were done with me for good, that you went around and told them everything you felt about me? These are the same people who at some point of time have bitched about how I want to be around only you, and no one else. I kept ditching them every time you asked me to meet you somewhere, and they didn't like it. Fine, I didn't come here to make them happy, so what they think is none of my business. But it is of my business when what they think about me influences you over how you now feel about me.
They have their own friends, why do have to come after mine? It's like I'm talking to their friends and telling those friends of theirs how much they suck like they are doing about me with you. They're all just jealous of how close I was to you. And they have succeeded in creating a huge distance between us. We both let this happen. We should never have let anyone else ruin what we had. This is what I was afraid of, and I kept telling you to ignore Jasbeen, Sharbeen and Saurabh. I always had a feeling this was going to cause a rift between you and me, and that's exactly what happened. They have their own friends, and should not linger around mine for the reasons they did it.
Last time we spoke, all called me a liar. I have justifications for every single lie I told you, even though you might not see it. I guess we were not as strong as I thought you and me were. I lost you forever, and I blame us for it. They sucked out all my happiness. You were all I had, and I lost you because they did everything they could to take you away from me. I know, you don't think the same. You feel I'm the one who's delusional. And I don't think anyone is going to change that.
I have lost you forever. I now believe you will never speak to me again. Even if you do, it's not going to be the way it used to be. You think I keep compressing inside of me how I feel, and it bursts out like a firecracker all at once on you. Yes, it was like that, because I kept asking you to not pay heed to the three idiots but you did the exact thing every single time, every other day. I know it's hard for you to not be sweet to people, but I ended up paying the price for it. Do you think it was worth putting our friendship at stake? I put in so much effort into making sure I came here, and left everyone I loved (yeah, I guess you think this is all yada yada too) so I could be with you, all you could have done is stayed away from them. We would still have been happy and together if you would have listened to me that one time.
I speak freely at this blog, because you are never going to read this, and you're never going to talk to me again. I can't begin to tell you how terrible I feel for loosing a friend like you. You're an amazing person, and you bared with me and loved me despite my numerous shortcomings. A part of me wants to go leave this college and go back to India. A lot of my friends have said that after all the things that have happened with me here, if I had any self-respect for myself, I would have left long back. But if I do, I will never see you again. It gives me the shivers every time I think I'd have to spend days without you in my life. I can't let that happen. I've lost you as a friend, but even seeing you once in while here and there, or hearing about you from Shruti is fine by me. I have to beg her these days to tell me about you, what you're up to, how you're doing, how was your holi with the twins, but she wont tell me anything. She says it's for my own good we're not on talking terms.
I don't want to be without you, but that's what I'll have to do now. I suffer for my own mistakes. One never realizes what a person is worth to them until they loose them, and that is exactly how I feel about you right now. Such a whiny person I have become, may be even Google will shut down my blog for whining so much :)
Hope you're doing well, and I miss you very much.
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