Day V Part I

Shruti tells me you're doing well. I was really glad to find that out. The only part that is very unfortunate is that I lost you like this. I could have done a lot better. I can't say that enough number of times. Every day, every moment passes in my life thinking of you, and I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you. You were right. The jealousy is not going to go away. The feeling that all of this happened because of those three people in my class is not going to go away. I know you think I'm wrong, and you're just being nice to them, but it's getting worse for me. I accept it's completely my fault I feel this way. You're too good for them to not like you.

You're beautiful, and I will not forgive myself for the way I think. You were right in deciding to not talk to me. I suggest you should keep it that way forever. You deserve to be happy, and you wouldn't be so if I remain in your life.

Love you so much, my best friend, and my lovely, lovely sister ;)

Day IV

4 days without you .. wow. I have said this before and I will say it again. I can live without you. I just don't want to, and I never will. I miss you so much! Today went by as I watched some episodes of Rome, and caught up with the recent episode of Lost.

I also met Hana after ages today. We went for sheiesha and dinner. Too bad I didn't study anything today :( I have no one to motivate me .. I really need you. I always need you <3

You're the love of my life. Good night for now. Sorry, there isn't much to write today 'cause I've pretty much done nothing new today.

Love Suraj

(love is a verb there .. lol)

PS: I love John Mayer!

Day III Part I

I had bluntly accepted the fact that you were never going to talk to me, but why did you have to write me an email saying so :'( I love you so much, Komal. And I wish I could undo every thing wrong I did here. If I had even the slightest idea this day was going to come, I would have never taken you for granted. I'll always be sorry for this whole thing and I will never forget these days in my life without you.

I agree with you. Sooner or later this was going to happen. I really needed this. One does not realize the importance of someone or something in life unless they've lost it once. I lied to you, and no justifications would make up for it. You are my best friend, and I should have never lied to you, and should have hidden nothing from you. Too bad all I did was hide nothing from you but lie to you a lot. I hope you take me back some day, whenever it is, I will wait. And I will not lie to you. I won't promise, but I will not lie.

And as far as talking to Jenson is concerned, please please don't involve other people in our issues :( I know I didn't listen to you so you had to go to someone, but if you do start talking to me whenever it is, I hope you wont do that. I feel like such a fool now that I have lost everything, thinking of all the thoughts I always had.

I know what I've lost. It breaks my heart to think you wont be talking to me any more. But that's how it's going to be.

I apologized to Jasbeen, I'm not sure for what exactly. I just said if there are any misunderstanding between us, or if was something I said or something he heard from someone else I said, I am extremely sorry for that. And I said I hope we don't have any issues anymore. He said it's fine, and I guess he meant it.

I saw Sana in front of her class today, but she didn't look at me. I told her to let me know when she's free in college so we can talk, but she didn't even look at me even though I tried saying Hi. This just because I asked you to not give them a ride back to the hostel the other day? Tell them I love them both, and I wish things would go back for all of us like it used to be before. We can all make it happen.

Please don't give any explanations for anything. I told you I was an idiot for the way I handled things, and I behaved all the time with you. You mean the world to me, so do the twins. I wouldn't do anything anymore you wouldn't want me to.

Love you always. See you in the night.

Day II Part II

So, I missed you even more today. Second day without talking to you, this sucks. I woke up early, and just watched so many movies back to back. I didn't study at all today, but I will make up for it. It's 2:40 AM in the night, and I just came back from a session of shiesha. I will tell you more later in the blog.

I saw Kingdom of Heaven, and Rules of Engagement. I also tried watching this Korean movie called Shiri or Shira, I don't remember properly. It was so boring, I deleted it after watching like 55% of it. It had subtitles in it, and it was freaking me out. I didn't want to do so much of reading so I got fed up of it. I told you about that documentary I saw yesterday, right? They had mentioned Kingdom of Heaven as a movie which described Arabs as just, good people. But the other one, Rules of Engagement is a movie which is considered the most racist movie ever made towards the Arabs. I'm sure you know about Kingdom of Heaven. The movie has Eva Green, she's a lovely actress. But the movie is like 3 hours long, but still totally worth it. The battle sequences in the movie are probably the best ever I've seen in a hollywood flick, very close to what we've seen in Lord of The Rings.

Rules of Engagement is a military movie. You know, the kind of stuff where the American soldiers are shown as heroes and the Arabs are shown as rogue militia. I didn't like it that much, even though it had Tommy Lee Jones, Guy Pierce, and Samuel Jackson. Good cast, but I was expecting a little more battlefield action rather than the court-room drama I saw. So for the day, Kingdom of Heaven >> Rules of Engagement. Another reason being, Eva Green was not there in the latter :D

I spoke to Shruti a bit in the morning, but left in a jiffy because I wasn't feeling well. I actually just hung up on her, damn I feel bad for it. I love that girl so much! I hope she will understand. I also spoke to Disha. She scored 7.5 GPA in her second last semester and she was really happy because she was not expecting it. I'm so proud of her!

Later today, I went to eat out with Hasnain, Harjeet, Harmeet (the funny walking sardar), and Nitin Chand (this guy is so cheap, the rest of us always end up paying for everything he eats or drinks). We went to chicken corner, and ordered a good meal. Came around 16 AED each, which is not bad considering the quality of the food. And this was the first time I ate at Chicken Corner. Then we headed off to Karak Chai, near the other side of RAK's corniche. The tea there is really good. The place is called Malik Al Karak, and you should try it sometime. Although it wasn't my first time there, but it was a better night tonight. A star-studded sky was a welcome change after days of cloudy storms all around.

At the Karak Chai place, we met 4 friends of Hasnain - Zain, Zayed, Ahmad & Danish. Ahmad is an Egyptian. They're all students of the RAK Medical College. They were telling us about how a guy near the Chai place itself called the cops on them for playing loud music. The guy told the cops and told them they had been suspects of kidnapping! (yes, lol) .. so anyway they were telling us what happened at the police station. The police took them into custody and took them to a room, and locked it with huge locks. Then they asked each of them for their IDs. Since they all had their student ID cards, the police took a different course. They did keep them there for 5 whole hours, and told them they had seen Zain a lot around Ras Al Khaimah. They spoke to them in Urdu, and were just having fun with them now. The cops talked about what did their fathers do, and the cops told them jokingly, that all the four guys were richer than they were. Then the cops started talking to them about the bollywood movies they've seen. They asked the guys if they had girlfriends .. lol

One of the cops kept insisting he had seen My Name Is Khan numerous times, and put on a huge smile on his face every time the guys said it was a good movie. The cop said he really liked 'Rizwan Khan'. He also said he was looking forward to watching Karthik Calling. I didn't know the cops here spoke Hindi/Urdu too, and had a sense of humor. They let everyone off with a warning, but once they were let off, they were back at the chai place again and that is how we all met.

Then, everyone went for shiesha, somewhere beyond Creek Plaza Hotel. That was fun, I smoked a lot of shiesha today, my first in UAE. I didn't even smoke shiesha when Shruti was here. It was fun! I'm still very dizzy, and if you poke my stomach with needles, a whole lot of strawberry smoke is going to come out. Everyone else played Bluff until 2:30, but I was just watching them play and smoking all the shiesha. I don't know how to play Bluff, but after two long sessions of watching other people play, I think I have learnt a little. Since I had shiesha after a really long time, I was so dizzy I can't even begin to tell you. It was a cool crowd, not counting Nitin Chand lol .. cool crowd, but pretty abusive. Even the Egyptian knew a whole lot of Hindi gaalis. But his accent was too funny.

So thats what happened today. I guess we have college tomorrow, and I have to return library books, and I want a glance of you. But I don't want to come to college since it's so late in the night already. It's been two whole days without you, and I don't know how many more I can take. I'll keep posting my daily updates here so that I know I'm not without you here, even though I am :( I still regret being so rude to you. You're the love of my life, and I miss you very much.

Good night, my superman :D

Day II Part I

Komal, I was really looking forward to college today. I was looking forward to seeing you, and talking to Laado. It sucks that the college is closed now. I got up early and got dressed up and everything only to realize that college is closed. Damn ..

So anyways, somehow, now I am the villain of everyone's story. Sharbeen & Jasbeen deleted me off Facebook. Actually, I would have loved to do it myself. But I was humiliated again. Why did you have to go around talking to other people about me, I still don't understand. We were so close, so why did you have to involve other people in something that was completely between you and me? What were you expecting my classmates to say when you asked them if they were ignoring me or not? Obviously they were going to justify whatever they were doing, and they led you into believing that I was the bad guy.

I don't understand. I did not hurt anyone or cause damage to anyone, neither did I expect anyone to do me any favors. Passing on notes to me that the teacher passes to them is not a favor. The teacher trusts a few in the class to pass on the notes to the rest of the class, and if they don't do it, someone else who's willing and not expecting something in return would love to do it. When I was Class Representative in the beginning, I used to take everyone along. Whatever notes and all the teachers gave to distribute amongst everyone else, I made sure everyone got it. But now people who are responsible for that, they keep expecting people to go and beg them for stuff. I can't do that. And please don't say such is college life, because no it's not.

It sucks that you believed everything some people in my class told you. Like I said, what were you expecting them to say? No one was obviously going to see there own mistakes and they were going to put everything on me, like it has been going on since the first day. Why did you have to go and talk to them in the first place? Did you feel like you were done with me for good, that you went around and told them everything you felt about me? These are the same people who at some point of time have bitched about how I want to be around only you, and no one else. I kept ditching them every time you asked me to meet you somewhere, and they didn't like it. Fine, I didn't come here to make them happy, so what they think is none of my business. But it is of my business when what they think about me influences you over how you now feel about me.

They have their own friends, why do have to come after mine? It's like I'm talking to their friends and telling those friends of theirs how much they suck like they are doing about me with you. They're all just jealous of how close I was to you. And they have succeeded in creating a huge distance between us. We both let this happen. We should never have let anyone else ruin what we had. This is what I was afraid of, and I kept telling you to ignore Jasbeen, Sharbeen and Saurabh. I always had a feeling this was going to cause a rift between you and me, and that's exactly what happened. They have their own friends, and should not linger around mine for the reasons they did it.

Last time we spoke, all called me a liar. I have justifications for every single lie I told you, even though you might not see it. I guess we were not as strong as I thought you and me were. I lost you forever, and I blame us for it. They sucked out all my happiness. You were all I had, and I lost you because they did everything they could to take you away from me. I know, you don't think the same. You feel I'm the one who's delusional. And I don't think anyone is going to change that.

I have lost you forever. I now believe you will never speak to me again. Even if you do, it's not going to be the way it used to be. You think I keep compressing inside of me how I feel, and it bursts out like a firecracker all at once on you. Yes, it was like that, because I kept asking you to not pay heed to the three idiots but you did the exact thing every single time, every other day. I know it's hard for you to not be sweet to people, but I ended up paying the price for it. Do you think it was worth putting our friendship at stake? I put in so much effort into making sure I came here, and left everyone I loved (yeah, I guess you think this is all yada yada too) so I could be with you, all you could have done is stayed away from them. We would still have been happy and together if you would have listened to me that one time.

I speak freely at this blog, because you are never going to read this, and you're never going to talk to me again. I can't begin to tell you how terrible I feel for loosing a friend like you. You're an amazing person, and you bared with me and loved me despite my numerous shortcomings. A part of me wants to go leave this college and go back to India. A lot of my friends have said that after all the things that have happened with me here, if I had any self-respect for myself, I would have left long back. But if I do, I will never see you again. It gives me the shivers every time I think I'd have to spend days without you in my life. I can't let that happen. I've lost you as a friend, but even seeing you once in while here and there, or hearing about you from Shruti is fine by me. I have to beg her these days to tell me about you, what you're up to, how you're doing, how was your holi with the twins, but she wont tell me anything. She says it's for my own good we're not on talking terms.

I don't want to be without you, but that's what I'll have to do now. I suffer for my own mistakes. One never realizes what a person is worth to them until they loose them, and that is exactly how I feel about you right now. Such a whiny person I have become, may be even Google will shut down my blog for whining so much :)

Hope you're doing well, and I miss you very much.

Day I

Since I don't have you around to tell you anything, I will post everything here. It's hardly been a while since we stopped talking to each other, and I feel like I've lost my lungs or my heart or something. I feel so uneasy without you. I haven't anything but one Snickers all day. I don't feel like eating at all.

I feel weird when I check my Facebook, and you're not there. I feel weird when I see my Twitter, my Yahoo, my Last.fm, and you're not there. It was so stupid of me to do something so horrible even though I was not thinking straight. I feel so incomplete with out you :( You'll always be my best friend.

That said, I want to tell you how my day was. I will hopefully be doing this frequently until I start talking to you for real, and I hope the day comes soon. I really miss you, and I want to do everything that would keep you happy, whatever you would ask of me. There is no punishment worse than you staying away for me like this. It's so heart-breaking.

This is my first holi without a single loved one - friends or family. I missed everyone back home, and I missed you. I hope you, your family and the twins had a great time. I did nothing much today, except for skimming around on DeviantArt looking for stock photos of Jensen Ackles & Tom Welling to do some editing on for you. What I find out was, a lot of photos of Dean have your comments in them :) Not so surprising :D But I didn't find anything today, may be because I wasn't looking with much heart. But I promise I will look for something tomorrow too. And I will make it retro like you love it, not all glittery and starry and dramatic like I do.

I also saw a documentary, 'Reel Bad Arabs', something about Hollywood stereotyping the Arab world in the movies ever since they started making movies. I don't think you will like it. I also downloaded some music off your last.fm list, bright eyes and some more. I will listen to it, and keep listening to it until our tastes are High at least :) I've also been listening to Mew, they're also very good. I will recommend if you haven't heard it before. There is a song called The Zookeeper's Boy which I am sure you will love.

My Dad called me up, and wished me Happy Holi, so did his younger brother, my uncle. I also heard my mother's voice. I spoke to Shruti, but she got mad at me because I hadn't eaten anything all day long. I have lost appetite lol .. She has been having fun in Holi :) I told her I love her and she just asked me to shut up. Nope, she wasn't pissed, she said it with a whole lot of love. I could tell from her tone :)

Rest of the day, nothing much. Just praying the storm comes and we get an extended weekend. Exams are close, so I started studying. I did a little bit of Matrix addition in Maths. It doesn't seem that tough, but I am surprised why he hasn't given a question bank yet. I just did the questions he gave in class. Other than that, I have just been listening to a lot of music. Also, I've been planning how to study, you know, just planning. That has been going on since 1st semester. But now I really want to do well, since I am guessing, it would be a good way to make you a little happy from my side. ]

I also downloaded Unreal Tournament 3, and I've been playing it. I love this game. I feel great when I play it :D

That will be all for now. I miss you very much, and I love you very much. And them both, Laado and Pari. See you tomorrow, Komal :)